


Down but not Quite Out

by butterballturkeyofficial



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, a bit of healing cock lbr, i guess its a bit vague tbh, tcest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 02:54:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18956386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterballturkeyofficial/pseuds/butterballturkeyofficial
Summary: Raph's on a bad streak till Don





	Down but not Quite Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yanno who ya are](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=yanno+who+ya+are).



The pale light of day grows soft as Donnie walks home from work. He walks every day, to and from work because spending all his time in front of screens, no matter how much success and money it’s brought him, can’t replace the warm feeling of sunshine on his skin, the smell of street sidewalks after the rain, can’t replace the feeling of being alive and infinitesimally small amongst thousands of others.

He enjoys his evening and morning walks. Sometimes he likes to sit at a deli and eat, listen to the din of other customers and the drone of the tv mounted on the wall. Every once in a while, he sees him.

He doesn’t really know where or when he first saw him. It might have been weeks before the incident. He knows for sure their first conversation was a night where he was halfway through getting mugged when he approached. Donnie took one look at him and assumed that he was about to join in the fray. Just another dog brought to the fight, drawn in by the smell of blood.

And he was right. He just didn’t expect that it would be on his behalf. Smashing his fist into the main guy’s face, landing a kick with surprising grace and dexterity that it was almost like watching someone dance. When the scene was over and done and it was time for the curtain call, Raph was left there, heaving and ragged, bloodied fists and bloodied face.

That’s how they had met. Donnie had offered him money. He turned it down. Had offered him a place to stay. He turned it down. A warm meal? You guessed it, still no.

“How am I supposed to pay you back for all you’ve done?” He had said in exasperation.

“My dad raised me better than to take payment for doin’ what’s right,” Raph had said, straightening up to stare at Don with an indignant, almost offended expression. And with that he was slinking off into the darker recesses of the alley and Don thought that would be the last he saw of him.

There was a newfound alertness he had on his walks to work. Instead of drifting into idle daydreams as he walked, Don scoured the faces of the people about him, peered into alleys he had always overlooked. And that’s how they had started to meet regularly.

Sometimes he had only time for a short greeting. But other times he lingered longer, talking until the air chilled and the light dimmed and the streetlights came on. He brought gifts sometimes, little things like articles of clothing or something from the shops. Despite his earlier protests, Raph had eventually warmed to these small gives and took them with a quiet sort of appreciation lighting his amber eyes.

Donnie was aware of, though perhaps not entirely prepared for, the fact that Raph had demons. He sometimes showed up with a bruise on his face or small lacerations. Sometimes he reeked of alcohol. It seemed to get worse as the days grew shorter.

Bandaged fingers, sallow face, haunted looks. He just wanted to take Raph in and see him do well. But Raph was skittish, Raph was temperamental and most of all Raph wasn’t tied to anywhere or anyone as far as Donnie could trace and he never pushed too hard in fear of Raph leaving for good.

As the chill crept into the city and the weather got nastier, he stopped seeing Raph. It had been a week. Meetings that had once been almost daily were now nonexistent and it is this sudden change that has him where he is now.

Standing over the slumped body of his at best passed out at worst dead friend, dialing 911. His fingers tremble and his voice shakes as he describes the situation to the operator.

They take him away. Loading his slumped body up and the doors close and Donnie is left alone in a daze with the chill pressing in and he finds he can’t be alone, the image of his friends limp body replaying over and over in his head every time he closes his eyes to shut out the outside din of the world to try and piece together his shattered thoughts.

“So,” Leo says over a steaming cup of tea. “You don’t even know any next of kin? He never mentioned family or anything?”

Donnie shrugs, “A brother, never named him though, only briefly. I got the feeling he didn’t like to talk about his past so I never pried.”

“Well, what did you two talk about?”

Don smiled as he remembered the way Raph’s face would light up whenever he asked a question on a particularly beloved topic of his. “I don’t know, his fighting skills, my job, parts of the city.”

It never really mattered the topic. Even though they lived in vastly different worlds with vastly different experiences, there was something similar that ran between them and Donnie just enjoyed being with Raph, regardless of the situation.

“You really care for him,” Leo says and Donnie can’t believe how inadequate that statement is in describing his feelings towards Raph. He really cares for him? Ever since that first night, seeing him there, braving the cold and the dark for a stranger, snout bloodied from his fight, something in Don was drawn to Raph. 

He realized a part of him had become anchored to Raph, Raph had become the fulcrum to which a certain part of him, an integral yet delicate part, rotated about. He found himself haunted by Raph as much as he found himself enlightened by him.

He more than cares for him. He wants to see him safe, warm, happy. He wants to see those bags under his eyes fade, he wants to kiss away whatever makes him look so sad sometimes. He wants. He wants-

“Yeah, I do. And I have no clue how to make sure he is okay,” Donnie says miserably.

“You two met every day for months it seems like. He’ll turn up Don, give it time,” Leo says, patting his friends shoulder and smiling at him warmly. 

He gives it time. He does.

But being patient, waiting, is hard. His life is glaringly empty in some aspects without Raph. His morning walks stop being as enjoyable, borderlining tedious now. He thinks more than once about just starting to take the train into work again. But the thought of doing that and missing Raph whenever he turns up if he does….

Donnie keeps walking. He looks in empty alleyways. Finds himself lingering more than once on his way home. Christmas comes and goes and with it a light snow and frost and still no Raph. He hopes his brother found him. That he is sleeping somewhere warm and safe and dry.

Two months without Raph and part of Don is starting to give up a little and part of him feels like he is dying a bit at that. So he turns back to his work. His company. His pride and joy, or at least it was at some point.

It was a cozy company, lucrative but small. Donnie found it easier to run that way, keeping as few bodies as he needed so the entire operation could run as tightly and smoothly as possible.

There was plenty of work to do, always more opportunities to scout for, reputation to build, more work for Don to throw himself into so that he could keep his mind away from being drawn to Raph.

It’s the first day of respite from a long dark winter that Don wakes up to a blue sky and a rather crisp walk to work in the morning. He finds himself humming his way through his midmorning checklist when his secretary arrives in his office.

“Excuse me sir, there is someone here looking for a job. They say they know you,” she says, looking rather harried. 

“We don’t have any positions open as far as I know,” Donnie says puzzled. He definitely didn’t remember setting any appointments for potential candidates.

“I tried telling him that, but he insisted he see you,” she says, wringing her hands in agitation.

“Alright, well, may as well see who it is then,” Donnie says. He stands and follows her down to their main lobby where he is greeted with the shaggy mass of his old friend.

“Raph?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” he grumbles, not looking up.

“It’s good to see you, I was worried, ever since-,” He notices Raph’s hands clench as if in preparation for him to bring up the incident. Donnie pauses and looks around the room to see his staff standing stock still, watching them. He can practically sense Raph internally bristling and so he draws in close and puts his hand on the small of Raph’s back and leads him away.

Donnie smiles, “How about we take this somewhere private.”

Raph grunts in affirmation and when Donnie turns he lumbers after him. Donnie leads him to his office, up a small flight of stairs and away from prying eyes. Raph seems to relax a minute bit as Don closes the door and he realizes it is just the two of them.

“So Raph, what brings you in?” Donnie says as he pulls out a seat

“It was my brother, Mikey that suggested it. You shoulda seen him Don. He knows everybody from everywhere and one of the nurses let it leak that I turned up at the hospital. He was devastated. I’m used to doin’ whatever to myself but Mikey? I can’t stand to see the kid so much as sniffle.”

“So’s I’ve quit the drinking, which was something terrible at first, let me tell you. And now I’m trying to straighten out the rest.”

Raph shrugged. 

“I don’t want you to feel like you owe me, after all, you saved my life in return and even if I was keepin’ score, you still wouldn’t owe me. I just thought maybe if you had some spare work or something,” Raph shrugs and looks down at his hands where his is twining and untwining his fingers.

“We’d love to have you on board,” Donnie says, thinking quickly.

Raph’s head snaps up and it isn’t fair the way those hopeful eyes have every part of Donnie wanting to bend to whatever Raph could ask of him.

“Really? No foolin?”

Donnie smiles warmly, “No foolin’. I’ve been in need of a personal assistant for quite a while and it seems like a perfect fit for you. I need someone to sit in meetings with me, help me take notes, and tell me their honest no bullshit opinions.”

“Well, I’m good at no bullshit, so that’s a start,” Raph said with a tentative smile.

“I know you are, I trust you to do a good job,” Donnie says, smiling and then, with a sudden burst of courage he leans over his side and puts his hand in Raph’s.

“I’m really glad you are okay. I was worried about you,” Donnie says and he expects Raph to maybe withdraw or shut down but instead he merely glances down at where their hands are touching and then looks back to Donnie with a slightly startled expression.

It’s cute and Donnie can’t even begin to put into words the feelings it gives him. Raph talked scary and indeed, in the right situation could be quite fierce. But the man before him now? He just looked tired and endearingly earnest. In need of some slack. And Don was more than willing to cut him a break.

The first few weeks go well. Raph is, admittedly, a bit against the grain of their normal company culture, but he is well mannered enough that their isn’t too much friction, although a small snipe over coffee nearly ends him in HR when Raph threatens to put someone through the wall.

Don had helped smooth that over, giving Raph a private talk about work etiquette.

“He was bein’ a real weasel Don, doin’ that thing where he’s insulting you without really saying, but I knew he was saying somethin’ and it was rude, just not sure what.” Raph’s brow knitted together as he was explaining and Donnie found himself getting distracted by how cute his look of concentration was.

“Listen Raph, I get it, I do, but I cannot permit behavior like that, it’s a liability. So please, for me, ease off?” Donnie smiled, and Raph grumbled but acceded to his wish.

Besides that altercation and Raph’s occasionally blunt way of speaking, he excelled in his tasks, sometimes offering astute observations and learning the ropes and tells almost as fast as Donnie could put them down for him. Everything was going well, great even, Raph lived not too far from Donnie and nearly every morning they would walk to work together.

It made waking up every day easy. Being close to Raph eased an ache within him, made him look forward to the days. He even gets to meet Mikey, Raph’s much heralded younger brother. He was the one Raph lived with and their apartment was small, cramped but cozy.

The walls were lined and cluttered with an assortment of things, random bobbles and toys and figures. They were also covered with paintings, many of which, Donnie learned, Mikey had done himself.

“Oh, so you’re Donnie?” Mikey says with a peculiar light to his eyes. He was the sort of person who talked in a way that gave the effect that he was laughing even when he wasn’t. “Raph talks a lot about you, well, at least for Raph.” Raph immediately shot his younger brother a warning look and Mikey grinned at him in response. 

“Really though,” Mikey smiles and somehow it makes him come off even warmer. “Thank you for all that you’ve done for my brother.”

"Ease off Mike," Raph said as he left the room to go prepare dinner. As soon as he left Mikey ignored the earlier warning and crowded in on Don.

"Seriously," he said, tone turning softly urgent. "Raph was in a real bad place and it was killing me to see him there, I don't know all that you did for him, or how, but thank you."

"Really, I owe more to your brother than you could ever imagine," Donnie said with a sort of distressed pleasure. He was flattered but at the same time, that flattery felt unearned.

"I am sure he feels the same," Mikey laughed. "Maybe you two were just meant for each other."

Those words held lasting weight for Donnie.

Things seem to be turning up for Raph and that in turn drags up Donnie’s mood. Seeing Raph looking less tired, less wan, eating regularly, without cuts and bruises. Everything seems to be going well, smooth even. Donnie has a presentation to give at a major meeting and Raph is set to be there and with his help their company might expand into a new direction entirely.

So it’s a little upsetting when Raph doesn’t meet him to walk to work one morning. Then one morning melds into one afternoon, a day, two days, by a week he’s called every known contact and the rising frustration of reliving the same incident from months ago has him locking up in anguished frustration. 

This time, at least, he is not alone.

"He's done this ever since our dad died. Taken his feelings somewhere where he can brood on them. I think he feels like he burdens others when he is sad," Mikey said. He looks like a flower that has wilted. The cheery aurora was still there and about him, just substantially weakened. Mikey shrugged.

"He's shut me out for so long I can't even tell you what he is thinking anymore. Your guess is as good as mine."

He repeats the same cycle as last time, lingering in places Raphael used to haunt. For weeks, he has little to no luck. He starts staying late hours pouring himself into his work, staying up late into the night. It's close to eleven when he leaves some nights and it is on one such night when he walks home that he resurfaces.

“Raphael?” Donnie says. Raph hunches his shoulders and turns away.

"Go away."

"Raph, I don't understand, what happened?" Donnie says so quiet he isn't sure if Raph has heard him until he responds.

“M’sorry Don, I blew it. Ya needed me for a big meeting and I overslept and blew it. And then I couldn’t stand the thought of going in to get fired so I stopped going in at all.”

“Raph,” Donnie says softly. “You should have just came and talked it out with me.”

“I just,” Raph shrugged helplessly and turned slightly so that Don caught a glimpse of his face. He was biting his lip hard enough that it looked painful and his face was pulled tight into the kind of look Donnie had seen most often when he tried asking about Raph’s past.

“I just wanted to get this right and I failed. I’m sorry Don.”

“Raph, come back into work,” Donnie said softly, almost pleadingly.

Raph stared at him dumbfounded. “I’m not fired?”

“Raph,” Donnie rubs the back of his head.

Raph looks at him suddenly and his expression turns sour, startling Don as an uncharacteristically black look creeps across his features.

“Oh I get it, I’m charity,” Raph spits out. “You felt bad for me so you made up a position just so you could help me out without me lookin’ too pathetic. Is that it?”

“Well that’s, look Raph, I wanted to help you,” Donnie says and he can feel himself start to panic as Raph turns away. He just got him back and now he is going to lose him again.

“But it wasn’t because of charity, it was far more selfish than that. I’m sorry Raph,” Donnie says. Raph pauses and looks at him cautiously over his shoulder.

“What do ya mean by that?” Raph said, one narrowed eye glaring at him in mistrust.

“I hired you for my sake,” Don said. “I wanted to make sure you were alright and taken care of. Because it makes me happy. And I have feelings for you.”

“Is this some kind of joke? What did Mikey let something slip and now you are rubbing in my face?” Raph has turned and approaches him like a storm cloud and Don shrinks back from his intimidating livid visage.

“Raph I swear to you, I don’t know what you’re talking about?” Don says, throwing up his hands in a placating gesture.

“Bullshit!” Raph snarled. “Admit Mikey told you that I….” Raph shuts his eyes and rubs his face and Don hates that he can see a bit of moisture gathering at the edges of his eyes.

“Raph, what exactly do you think Mikey told me?” Donnie says, and he slowly reaches out a hand to place it on his shoulder.

Raph opens his eyes and looks into Don’s open face and considers it a long moment.

“He- he told you that I have feelings for the first guy besides him that’s shown me any kindness in a long time. Yeah I know, its stupid.”

“Mikey never told me anything of the sort Raph.”

“I told you that’s bull, you expect me to believe you just,” Raph brought up his hands and then slammed them uselessly back down against his sides again.

“Raph, you are kind, intelligent, brave,” Donnie’s hand slid up along the side of his face to cup his cheek. Raph looked at him startled.

“No one deserves to live the way you’ve been living. Come home with me. Sleep off whatever you are going through, and we can talk things through.”

“Donnie, I don’t think,” Raph starts.

“Please, Raph, if not for me do it for Mikey.”

“That’s low. That’s manipulative right there is what that is,” Raph says, but there’s a hint of a smile on his lips. “You’re right though. I’ve been on a losing streak with that kid and it’s time to stop.”

“Just a night Raph,” Donnie says, and he means it, honestly, he does. In his heart of all hearts he wants Raph with him every night for the foreseeable future, but for now, he just wants Raph to stop looking so heart wrenchingly disappointed in himself.

“I said I’m coming already, Donnie, don’t push it,” Raph says and he is full out grinning now. The two of them walk to the train station together. They sit in silence as the train rattles its way home and when at last it is the two of them in Donnie’s spacious yet homey apartment, Donnie turns to Raph expectantly.

“So,” Donnie says quietly.

“So,” the angry defensive tone is back in Raph’s voice and Donnie wants to sigh with exasperation.

“Raph I care about you. As a friend. But I have more feelings for you than just that,” Donnie says. “I’m not joking. Or lying.”

Raph just looks at him a long moment.

“I’m not a pity case?”

“Raph you are not pitiful. I want to help you but I don’t pity you. You clearly can fend for yourself. But surviving and living are two different things. I want to see you do well and prosper, not just struggle to stay afloat.”

“I don’t think the job I have with you is suited for me. Not that I don’t appreciate it,” Raph says at Donnie’s look of distress.

“Don I care about you, in the same way. But I can’t focus on any of that until I can stand on my own two feet. I feel like I’m leeching at you, and that’s eaten me alive as bad as anything else.”

“It’s okay to rely on people, Raph.”

“It’s okay to take help now and then, but you’re full out supporting me, and I can’t respect myself if I let you do that.”

“So? Where does that leave us.”

“I quit,” Raph said with a shrug. Donnie’s face drops. Here he is. Losing him all over again for a third time.

“Now I would like to go on a date with you.”

Donnie put his face in his hands as he processed that statement, he loved Raph he did. But trying to follow Raph’s train of thought when he was emotional was a joyride he wanted to get off.

“Excuse me?”

“I used to be a mechanic, ‘fore all this. Can’t say it will be easy, but I think I could get my old job back. Mikey is friends with the daughter of my old boss and she’s been saying there’s no hard feelings and I’m welcome back anytime for ages.”

“I want my own life and my own income, but I want you in it. So uh, Don, will you let me buy you dinner?”

“You are, absolutely unbelievable,” Don says and he wishes he could hold onto his own ire for a little longer if for no reason other than his pride, but that thought flies out the window as Raph looks at him with amber eyes full of tentative eagerness.

“Okay. A date. You can pick where,” Donnie says, shoulders slumping as he surrenders himself to Raph’s will.

“Oh and one more thing?” Raph eyes are absolutely alight, mesmerizing in their luminous quality.

“Whats that Don?”

Donnie presses his lips to Raph’s.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since, I don’t know how long,” Donnie said as he broke the kiss. Raph was looking at him wide-eyed and it made him want even more. 

“Ya wanted me? For a while?” He said and Don’s heart squeezes at the tone of awe in his voice. He was so precious. Don hugs his body tighter and breaths into his ear.

“You have no idea.” He drags a finger gently along Raph’s pulse.

“I, Don,” Raph chokes on his own words as he struggles to pull himself back into coherent thought. He gives up and instead kisses Donnie. His hands at first just rest on Donnie’s shoulders, fingering the familiar heavy coat he liked to wear in the colder months.

But as their kisses grew more heated his fingers slipped under the coat and Raph found himself pressing in to Don.

“Wait, Raph, maybe now is not such a good time?” Donnie said as he felt Raph’s hands going lower. The further along this got, the harder it would be to back out.

“Don,” Raph said breathily as he practically humped Don’s leg. “I want ya.”

Don leaned his head back and groaned. He couldn’t count the amount of times he had dreamed of this, wanted this so badly with all of his heart and soul. He couldn’t, he didn’t want to hold out. 

“If it’s alright with you, I’d like to take you apart tonight.” Don says lowly.

Raph seems to struggle to take in that request and when he manages to respond he merely gives a, “S-sounds nice.”

At that given bit of permission Donnie starts kissing Raph’s neck, hand sliding around on his shoulders to his neck and back again. Raph relaxes into the touch and when Don sucks the first hickey he gives a bit of a jolt but says nothing, grinding down harder on Don’s leg as he pushed it up to give Raph better access.

 

Don continues alternating a series of bites and kisses and licks as his hands drop lower, first rubbing at Raph’s shoulders then his (well-muscled) biceps, down father to his forearms and from there he makes the jump to his legs. For a bit he just rubs up and down on his thighs, trailing towards the outside, then dipping inwards.

By the time he runs his finger along Raph’s slit, it Is already wet and puffy looking from all the action it’s been getting on Don’s leg.

“Excited?” Don teases.

“It’s- heh- been a bit,” Raph says sheepishly.

“It’s cute,” Donnie says and he rubs at his slit harder, first just with one finger then adding another. He reaches his other hand around to cup Raph’s cheek and then grope it. 

“Don I can’t,” Raph groans, squeezing his eyes shut. Instead of finishing his sentence, he lets out a rather loud churr. Eyes widening in shock, Raph’s hand flies up to cover his mouth but Donnie catches him and instead intertwines their fingers rubbing the heel of his hand into Raph’s slit in tight little circles, forcing out more nervous chirps and churrs in the process.

His hand feels around to grope Raph’s tail and with that Raph is drawing in a breath that sounds much closer to a stifled sob than anything else.

“You’re so talkative, it’s adorable,” Donnie husks and he keeps rubbing, his entire palm becoming slick with the refuse from Raph’s slit.  
“Donnie, I can’t,” Raph says, breathing becoming labored.

Don slows his hand down to a miniscule crawl, “Do you want me to stop?”  
Raph shakes his head wordlessly. “

“Keep going?” A nod. Raph’s lip trembles and his entire face draws tight.

“It’s alright to get emotional Raph, it’s normal in these kinds of situations,” Donnie sooths as he picks up his pace and pressure again.

“Donnie, I can’t I think, I’m gonna,” Raph wheezes. 

“Relax Raph, let whatever is going to happen come naturally,” Donnie says and he rubs at Raphs slit even harder. He can feel that if he moved his hand Raph would probably drop down so he keeps it pressed firmly against his slit, holding him in.

“You want to drop down?” Donnie coos. Raph nods tightly. 

“Can you ask out loud?” Donnie asks in a gentle tone, other hand reaching up to cup Raph’s face. “For me? Please?”

“Can you …let me drop down,” Raph says whisper soft. Don removes his hand and immediately Raph gets the relief of feeling himself slide out and into Don’s waiting palm.

“So good Raph, you are doing so good,” He practically purrs. Then he moves his hand and the tension seeps out of Raph as he feels Don start to stroke him, giving him some sort of contact relief at last. Don’s other hand is working Raph’s tail in a manner similar to his cock. 

He gets low and lower to the base and he circles his finger around Raph’s hole feeling him jolt as he does so.

“Is this okay? Do you want to stop?” Donnie asks softly.

“What is this? Red light, green light? Don, I told ya, I’m good,” Raph grouches and the petulant look on his face is so cute that Don wants to kiss him silly, so he does.

“We do need to pause for a moment,” Donnie says pulling back and leaving Raph dazed and breathless. He leaves to rifle through a side drawer and comes back.

Raph feels a slicked finger pressing at his entrance, circling it lightly, pushing against it lightly. As he sinks in his digit Raph moans. He drags his finger in and out, feeling Raph clench and unclench around him.

“You ever done this before?” 

“Like I said,” Raph says between heavy breaths, “It’s been a while.”

“Should I slow it down?” Don asks as he scrutinizes Raph’s face for any sign of pain.

“Do I look like I’m gonna break to you?” Raph says and there is a grim sort of set to his face.

“That’s not what this is about at all Raph,” Donnie says gently. “Not right now at least.” He can’t say there isn’t more he’d like to try if Raph was up to it.

He pushes his finger in deeper and crooks it, hoping he can just… manage… to find it. And there it is, Raph jumps and he presses his finger in rubbing the small set of nerves.

“I want to make you feel good,” he says as Raph reaches out to grab his arms tightly, as if he needs something, anything to moor himself while he tries to brace himself through the feelings.

“I want you to know I love you,” he says as he listens to Raph’s breath come shorter and shorter and notes the way his breath is hitching and the small churrs that leak out despite obvious attempts to suppress them.

“Do you want that?” Donnie stops everything and Raph is sitting up so violently Don is almost afraid he hurt him somehow. 

“You know the hell I do,” Raph said and drags him bodily closer, kissing him fiercely. “Come on Don, fuck me.” Don lines himself up and hesitates there for a moment. He feels Raph’s legs wrap around him.

“Don come on,” Raph says and though his words aren’t quite begging his tone certainly puts it in that realm.

When he pushes in, the heat, the warmth, the close contact. It’s everything that he had been longing for and watching Raph come undone under him is beyond what he could have pictured.

Loud churrs and chirps with every push and pull, Don pushes his leg up higher to get a better angle and at times Raph is urging him on and at others he is begging him for something, anything, he doesn’t know what.

When he climaxes it’s like a wave of force and emotion and it feels like someone has physically knocked the wind out of him like a foot to the chest. Raph has come under him and when he all but collapses onto him it is just the two of them breathing in each other’s ears for a bit as they process the events just preceding.

“You can’t just drop out on me anymore Raph,” Don says as they lay on their backs awake staring at the ceiling. There’s no cracks or leaks in it, just a nice decorative light and a fan, which is pretty novel for Raph. 

“It’s going to kill me if I start taking this seriously. Start believing I can be with you.”

“I am sorry Don, sorry about all that. I don’t like doing it to Mikey and I don’t plan to do it to either of you anymore.”

“Just talk to me Raph, I’ll always be here,” Donnie said and he turns on his side to look Raph full in the face as he says it.

“You mean that?” Raph says, and there is an earnest, hopefully curiosity that makes his chest hurt. He feels like he could hold Raph in the palm of his hand, small, tender yet burning ever bright. That was Raph.

“Yeah, I do.” 

Raph smiles and he closes his eyes and Donnie watches the smile slide off his face as it slackens into unconsciousness, and it is a peaceful sort of relief know that he’s here now, coming into his own, on his own terms.

He isn’t sure what hour it is when he finally falls asleep and follows Raph into the world of unconsciousness, but when he does, its with a light heart and content mind.

**Author's Note:**

> theres probably gonna be more just... give me time


End file.
